I am a child before I am a wife and a mother. Wait, what? How does that work? My sleep deprivation has really gone to my head with the second child. I am raising children, and I think I might be coined crazy, insane, even loopy if I say that I am a child too. I mean, consider how this sounds, “Hi, I’m Samantha. I have 2 kids and I think I’m a child also.” Crazy, huh?
Even so, I say I am a child before I am a wife and mother.
God calls me his child, and I call Him my father.
God is my Abba, my daddy. So therefore, I am a child. I put God first. After all, how am I supposed to be the wife and mother He calls me to be without putting Him first?
Hello, and welcome to my blog. I wanted to start writing/sharing my family and our stories because I became a wife and mother all within 4 years after graduating high school. So, to this world, I am still a child. But what really matters is that I am God’s child.
So what is the difference between God’s child and what this world sees as a child? Also, what does it mean to be a child of God at the same time being a mommy? It has been a rough transition, but this is where God has me and I’m still learning. So here we go, and buckle up (there’s the mommy in me)!
For starters, I will share my testimony in the three main areas God has given to me to live and follow Him. First; God, second; husband, third; kids. I will share how I became a Christian, how I became my husband’s helpmate and how I became a mother (yea, yea, we all know ‘how’ my kids came about but to become a mother is different than just the act of having kids).
My Christian testimony:
“We are all going to Hell,” is what a fellow seventh grader shouted as we had to file to a ‘safe’ place away from windows. A tornado warning was issued a few moments before, and so my classroom marched into the hall, with heavy science books in hand to “protect” us from dying. MmHmm, like science was going to save us from a massive tornado if it decided to rip through the school.
“I know I’m not going to Hell, I’m going to Heaven.” Is what my future best friend said to me as we put the books over our heads. ‘What in the heck is going on?’ I thought. When did kids ever yell out things about hell, and how in the heck did a seventh grader know her life or death situation? Little did I know, over the 2 hours we sat there, she would be the one who led me to the only true way of being saved. I knew no science book could save my life, I just didn’t know what or who.
But now I can tell you with all confidence, that Jesus Christ truly saves lives. Through His death on the cross, He bore all the sins of this world so that we might have a relationship with him.
God came into my heart that day, and over the next 6 years He substantially changed my life as He worked to mold my heart. I fell deeply in love with Him through out high school. He protected me from my crazy boy stage, my workaholic stage and from the control-I-had-to have-on-life stage (is that stage ever gone?).
That was 10 years ago and I never thought in the craziest, wildest, most out-there plans that I would be 23, married with 2 kids. After all, I only had a science book in hand to save me from a tornado.
But indeed, I am 23, married and I most certainly have 2 kids (my stomach muscles can attest to that). How all that happened within 3 years, I will definitely share in the next posts.
My momma testimony
I was not excited.
I don't remember the exact feelings I had, but excited was not one of them.
Jason and I talked about having kids before we were married. I did want them, kinda. And we would have them, eventually.
I had never thought about having kids before courting. I don't think I ever really wanted kids. Like I said before, I wanted to design and start my own mag. Being an at-home seemed a little ridiculous.
So, when I found out I was pregnant I became scared. Nervous. Guilty.
I felt guilty because my reaction was not happiness or excitement. I did not want to me a mom this soon.
How will I love this child? I know in my mind that children are blessing, after all, that is what God says. He never lies, but how do I make my heart feel the same way?
No only that, I felt so alone. I was the only one my age married, let alone pregnant. All the other moms somewhat my age had just left to go start a church down town. Loneliness was extremely hard to deal with at this time. Yes, I had my husband, but he didn't understand fully what I felt. I skipped right over God.
Fast forward to Nevaeh arriving. I loved her. She was mine. God had given her to me. Then why was I still not excited?
Yes, this is how I felt. I'm not going to lie and tell you that becoming a mom was the next best thing in my life at the time. I can't tell you that I was over joyed, or even happy. And I'm not going to apologize for these feelings either. They helped me become the mother I am now.
DO NOT GET ME WRONG though, I loved Nevaeh so very much. There is a difference between love and happiness. I loved her with all my life.
Fighting through all these feelings was very hard. I gave into my pride and didn't ask for help, which did not help. It took me a year, even longer, to be excited about being a mommy.
It took me 2 1/2 years and 2 kids to fully understand the blessings children are and the joy of being a mom. In the process of truly enjoying my kids and truly being excited to love them, God has brought me so much closer to him.
I wasn't trusting God with my marriage and being a mommy. I wasn't looking to Him during my trials, and relying on myself. I have realized not relying on Him made it so much harder, but as well, it didn't allow me to fully experience what it is to be a mom.
Putting God back in His place has given me the ultimate mom experience. It has been wonderful. He has allowed me to enjoy every moment, and grow with every hard time.
I love being a mom and am starting to cry just thinking about it. These are tears of joy. Again, I could shout it off the roof tops, I love being a mom!
So after all my testimonies, it comes down to this. I have learned that God is control, my life is not my own. I did not plan on getting married, or even having kids. But that was God's plan for my life. I am so glad that his plan is better than mine.
I am so thankful and so very blessed with the life He has given to me. So very thankful.
Thank you, God. I may need to daily give you my life, but it's worth it. Everyday is a new and hard, but you allow me to experience such wonderful joy. Thank you!
My marriage testimony
Some, well most, ‘normal’ people would say I got married too young. That, maybe, I was still a child and didn’t understand what marriage really meant (obviously I should be listening to them with half of them divorced). Well, that might have been true if I didn’t have one thing on my side, God my father, my Abba and His saving faith.
I was a senior in high school when I first realized I had a crush on one of the guy leaders of our high school bible study. Yes, you read that right, one of the leaders. He was 7 years older and I was still growing in my faith at a rapid pace. I didn’t want to have a crush, nor was I interested in a relationship. I was excited to head off to college and do God’s work there, prayerfully consider joining Youth for Christ and becoming a woman leader (single at that) in that very same bible study.
But, the crush grew.
I didn’t really understand these feelings I was having. I had ‘crush feelings’ before. When your heart races, tummy muscles tighten and you act like a middle school girl whenever you are around him. We all (well maybe almost all) have been there and that is where it started, but they never grew to the degree these feelings for Jason Karaidos had gone to.
Again, I didn’t understand but God definitely did not take these crazy ‘love’ feelings away. I was mad at God. I had plans to do great things for him, like be an editor of a Christian magazine (I promise you, if I weren’t a child of God, I would be a feminist. I thought woman editors were amazing). I just wanted to live for God and these feelings were interfering with my plan. I mean I was still a child. Well, at least in the world’s view I was, and somewhat, in mine too.
A year past and I had fallen in love with Jason.
And at the same time, my faith was maturing and going stronger with everyday. I finally went to my pastor’s wife, who has a similar story in that her husband is 6 years older and she got married about the same age as I was. I received wisdom from her that helped with this coping of living for God while having this aching I-love-this-man-but-I-may-never-marry-him feeling.
I learned a lot within that year of what a relationship, specifically marriages, look like and what a helpmate really looks like to a husband. I grew closer to God and finally after a year and a half I had given this whole situation up to him.
I prayed, “God, please let this man be my husband.” But what I had finally given in to was the prayer, “If he isn’t the man I’m supposed to marry, it will hurt, but it will be ok because I still have you God.” My heart finally felt at peace with the thought of him marrying someone else. I finally understood Phil 4:7 “and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.” After all, he was SEVEN years older than me. How could he even look at me?
One month later Jason approached me and asked if I would prayerfully consider starting a relationship with him. He told me he had been praying for me for 9 months or so.
And do you know what I said???
“Can I pray about it for a couple of weeks?” As I was speaking those words, I considered throwing myself into ongoing traffic. But I guess I wanted to give God the glory before giving myself this relationship.
So one week later we were courting, one month later we were engaged and one year later we were married.
My age might still have been a child in some eyes, but in God’s I was mature enough to be married. In God’s eyes, I wasn’t a kid, but I was His child and he wanted to bless me on a path that I would never have expected.
Although I did not plan this, God did. He is continually teaching me what it means to be a wife. Everyday I am learning at the expense of my husband, but at the end of the day my apologies are accepted and I have the next day to get it right.
One month after being married, we found out I was pregnant and that is where my real struggles began. That is where we will start next time.
My momma testimony
I was not excited.